grief · Uncategorized

What You See (And What You Don’t)

What you see is me being strong.

What you don’t see are all the times I’m so very weak.

What you see is me smiling.

What you don’t see is the pain creasing the corner of the smile.

What you hear is my laugh.

What you don’t hear is the effort it takes to produce the laugh.

What you see is me looking perfectly normal.

What you don’t see is the giant hole in my heart.

What you see is my stoicism.

What you don’t see is my vulnerability.

What you see is how well I’m coping.

What you don’t see is the enormous effort it takes to do it.

What you see is that grief seems to have come and gone.

What you don’t see is how I just don’t want to burden you with it.

What you can see is taking everything I have. It seems like I’m supposed to pick up and move on, so I put on the show and do my best, but it’s a thin veneer. Life only pauses briefly for grief, then it zooms ahead at normal speed, forcing the griever to keep up.

Often it’s easier that way. I feel like I’m staying ahead of it when I keep moving, but it’s right there on my back all along, just waiting for me to remember the weight of it. And when I notice it it crushes me.

So if I seem a little edgy, a little quiet, or have a hard time coming out of my shell, I need you to remember this: I’m not trying to be difficult; in fact I’d much rather just be my normal self again. Truth is I barely remember how to be her right now, and I’m afraid she’s never coming back, which makes this even harder.

Please don’t hold it against me, I’m doing my very best.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “What You See (And What You Don’t)

  1. This will be the first Christmas without my nearly adult daughter. She left me in a flash – there was no warning. Just *poof* she was gone. Below my calm surface, I’m in pieces. And my internal monologue is in constant rotation between complete panic and resolute stoicism. I will move forward because I have no other option as time compels this decision. Forward, but not over. Ugh.

    Like

  2. You’re forever changed. You’ll never be the same. Just like a cup that fell to the floor and cracked. You can repair it, but you’ll always see the crack. Take your time. And if you think who is she to tell me this in a comment? Someone else who has a few cracks. 😘

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s