I do my best thinking with coffee. The soothing aroma and warmth combined with the stimulating impact of caffeine has a synergistic effect and my gears turn a bit more efficiently with a cuppa joe nearby.
It’s been eons since I’ve felt content. For a few years now I always, always have an undercurrent of dissatisfaction with my life.
After cancer treatment ended for Ben things were supposed to steadily improve. Life after leukemia was supposed to be a “new normal” that was distinctly better than life with cancer.
It didn’t happen.
I had it in my head that we would endure a dark night and that joy would come in the morning, and “morning” was determined to be in April of 2013, after Ben took his last chemo.
I don’t know if my morning failed to come or if it just failed to produce better circumstances, but post-cancer life has been harder than I ever anticipated. I’ve been creeping toward bitterness over it.
Nobody likes bitter.
I don’t want to be bitter.
Thus a single word in a ripe moment ricocheted in my mind. Since when do I allow circumstances to dictate my contentment? Am I not able to choose to be content instead of sinking ever deeper into bitterness? Won’t I and all whom I love be better if my choice is contentment?
I know all those answers. I know that I can choose to be content. I know that it’s better to be content. I know that I will choose to be content.
I don’t regret grieving the loss of my expected “new normal”. The grief is legitimate and real. But the grief will not be allowed to become bitterness. Now or ever.