cancer · parenting · special needs parenting · writing

I Know That I Will Choose To Be Content

I do my best thinking with coffee. The soothing aroma and warmth combined with the stimulating impact of caffeine has a synergistic effect and my gears turn a bit more efficiently with a cuppa joe nearby. 

A seed was planted a few days ago when my sister sent a group text to the family pronouncing that she had, at least momentarily, achieved contentment. 

It’s been eons since I’ve felt content.  For a few years now I always, always have an undercurrent of dissatisfaction with my life.  

After cancer treatment ended for Ben things were supposed to steadily improve. Life after leukemia was supposed to be a “new normal” that was distinctly better than life with cancer. 

It didn’t happen. 

I had it in my head that we would endure a dark night and that joy would come in the morning, and “morning” was determined to be in April of 2013, after Ben took his last chemo. 

I don’t know if my morning failed to come or if it just failed to produce better circumstances, but post-cancer life has been harder than I ever anticipated.  I’ve been creeping toward bitterness over it. 

Nobody likes bitter. 

I don’t want to be bitter. 

Thus a single word in a ripe moment ricocheted in my mind. Since when do I allow circumstances to dictate my contentment?  Am I not able to choose to be content instead of sinking ever deeper into bitterness?  Won’t I and all whom I love be better if  my choice is contentment?  

I know all those answers. I know that I can choose to be content. I know that it’s better to be content. I know that I will choose to be content. 

I don’t regret grieving the loss of my expected “new normal”. The grief is legitimate and real. But the grief will not be allowed to become bitterness. Now or ever. 


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