I’m stuck in the middle. When Ben is well and in school, I would love to work. It minimizes the financial finagling and provides a meaningful outlet for me. However, no matter how flexible or part-time the job is, when Ben is not well or not in school, I become a poor employee, failing to fulfill responsibilities optimally. I’ve been on leave from work since March, and with the start of school, I have been scouring work at home sites, school jobs, and even barista jobs (because coffee). Nothing seems to fit. I want to work, it’s just that history tells me how hard it is to make work work.
This week, I got an offer to get paid to write. It’s an answered prayer.
Except that I didn’t pray for it. In fact, I didn’t pray about it, around it or at all.
I’m sure that every person who has identified as Christian is familiar with dry spells, my dry spell is 2+years and counting, and it’s like wandering in circles in Death Valley.
The only time I pray is when someone asks and I tell them I will, thereby fulfilling a promise. Otherwise, Sahara.
Back when I prayed pretty much all the time, my prayers were rarely for things. Rather, I would pray for wisdom, clarity, direction, the fruits of the spirit, etc., and I would pray that over anyone whom I covered with prayer. So, if I had been praying recently, my prayers for myself would have been for provision, discernment about finding work, discipline with money in order to stretch it further, and to know the right direction when I see it.
With this offer, out of the blue, unsolicited, all of the above were provided and more. One might say, miraculously. If I had been praying, I would plant my answered prayer flag firm in the ground and declare this turn of events an official answer to prayer.
So what do I do now?
Sincerely? How do I process this?
I have been unfaithful, I haven’t prayed, yet an ideal turn of events has come my way. As a formerly fierce and steadfast pray-er, I have no idea what to make of this. I’m stymied.
And, so help me, if so much as a single person throws out a “God works in mysterious ways”, or some such, I will come unglued. The reason I am in this place is because my questions got infinitely larger than I could wrap my mind around, even with intense Bible study and excellent teaching at church. My mind failed to grapple any further with the mysteries of life, and I found my mental bank account overdrawn, went completely bankrupt, and here I am. I’m still trying to get forward momentum, to find a bit of moisture to prime the pump that for so long kept me in water so faithfully, but here in Death Valley, the moisture simply isn’t to be had. Isn’t that ironic, the one thing required to get me out of this desert is the one thing completely lacking here.
So I grapple with this sincere, honest, gut wrenching question of how can I have such glorious answer to a prayer never uttered?