writing

Self-Stinginess

When I get something I really treasure I stash it away, saving it for the perfect moment.  Usually it’s little things like special soaps I get as gifts, chocolates, you know, small treasures.

I’ve long realized how often I waste things this way.  The chocolate covered espresso beans I’ve stashed in my purse for just the right moment have melted into a lump.  The soaps I save for special occasions have eroded in the shower.  My family finds my treats thinking they’re being ignored and help themselves, and when I go for one, the numbers are decimated.  That perfect lipstick color is the one I never use for fear of it running out.


(Exhibit A, ruined chocolate covered espresso beans)

I’m trying really hard to learn to savor special things while they’re still special instead of losing them to stinginess.  It’s a counterproductive cycle that I struggle to break.  I’m so reluctant to finish that often I never start.   Why do I hold such a tight grip on perishable things that I ruin them?  Where did this maladaptive behavior start and why does it carry on?  Why do I think that an everyday moment is inadequate to indulge in the finer things and still deny myself even during the peaks and valleys for which I save them?  Giving and receiving gifts is not a strength of mine.  When someone gives me a perfect gift I feel awkward and weird, and I almost never seem to find that perfect gift for those I love.  So maybe this is a reflection of my discomfort with both giving and receiving material gifts.  I don’t know. 

But today, this very minute, I pledge to stop.  I’m going to use my gift cards, I’m going to open and relish my soaps, and I will eat my chocolates before they’re ruined, all while reminding myself that I’m worthy of treats and lovlies.  I hope you love my lipstick color as much as I do!

Will you join me?

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One thought on “Self-Stinginess

  1. I did the same thing for years. I think it was the way I was brought up. Save the pretty dress for a special occasion, take off your church clothes right after mass, and so on. It took me years to realize and feel that I was special enough every day to wear that cute shirt, eat the Godiva chocolate and, yes, wear my favorite lipstick color as much as I want. Go for it! It’s a great burden to shed.

    Like

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