I beg your pardon from the get-go. I’m sleep deprived and tired. Bone tired. I’ve been spinning my wheels all weekend caring for a child who is too sick to accept my care. I hold his hand, he pushes me away, I rub his back, re recoils, I hold a basin to catch the vomit which has been reduced to stomach juices for 2 days and he bats the basin away.
I have been on the phone all morning with nurses, and get few answers. I spent the evening in the ER using trial and error to help him, and return home only to find the help was extremely short lived. Today I’m pulling out the stops to find help only to realize that our only prayer is that his body, an amazing self-righting machine, can find away to gain traction and achieve balance, and if it doesn’t, we resume trial and error.
I feel impotent facing his suffering, and so very angry that one human child must endure so much.
I am angry that modern medicine can produce marvels beyond our wildest imaginings, and still not grant my child relief. I’m angry that the creative force behind the universe, the alpha and omega, the catalyst behind jellyfish, volcanoes, waterfalls and narwhals has allowed this child to fall through the gaps of all that is right and good in the world and bear so much suffering. I am angry that my other children suffer alongside him, as do so many who love him. I live in a state if cognitive dissonance over the injustice of it all. I am angry that all the energy this lion mama can produce so often results in spinning my wheels, incompetent to be an agent of healing and wholeness for this child, no matter how hard I try.
For a moment he sleeps, and I pray, fruitlessly I fear, that the rest will restore him and that he will awaken refreshed, with his internal mechanism reset.
Conversely, I pray that if rest doesn’t restore that our doctors will dig deep, finding the root of the problems and long-term solutions for ultimate health and well-being.
I still hope, but I doubt.